So in my new single conquest of tackling the male population in this lonely city, i’ve come across the good, the bad, and the just downright heinous examples of the specimen. Below i outline the interaction (not exactly mutual) of one poor Southern soul that i ‘man-ate’ apparently, after only one date.  We’ll call him ‘Sean’…

I met Sean on a Thursday night after hours of drinking for the final week of our dodgeball league.  He had played the entire season, yet i only managed to meet him once before- the first week when my male roommate urged me to discuss typically lame and generic topics with him.  I was not having it.

So i guess something was different by week 8 (maybe it was me having been single for 2 months now, rather than one week). Besides his Asic sneakers, his face resembled Liev Schreiber pretty strongly.  Yada, yada, yada- we ended up playing beer pong together and making out on my front stoop.  Then it all started…

Friday, December 4th, 1:03am

Sean: “I am so attracted to you, i dont even know what to do with myself. I hope to see you soon”

1:25am:

Sean: “At least text me back to let me know you didnt give me a fake number”

*now i thought the second one was a bit odd, given the late time, and the short duration he waited to express his insecurities after the first text, but i let it go…he looks like Liev Schreiber.

8:39am:

Me: “haha it’s not fake. Thanks for walking me home”

5:48pm

Sean: “My pleasure. And anytime. When do i get to see you again?”

Sean: “And i actually sent that message early this morning.  Just saw that it has been stuck in my outbox all day hope you had a good day!”

*a bit TMI, but still liked the thought that he didnt wait 10 hours on purpose

6:41pm

Me: “When do you want to see me again?”

Saturday, December 5th

1:58am

Sean: Did you get my messages earlier today?

*ok, i should have taken a sign from this awkward and somewhat retarded beginning text message interaction.  But i didnt.  It just gets worse.

12:05pm

Me: “Yes, i wrote back! When do you want to see me again”

12:55pm

Sean: “Today”

12:56pm

Sean: “Do you like college football”

1:15pm

Me: “I do but i have plans all weekend. I’m free next week?”

1:19pm

Sean: “Well i guess i will just have to play the waiting game then, haha. Let me know about next week. or if maybe you end up having some free time this weekend.”

*his persistence is somewhat attractive currently.

Monday, December 7th

8:17pm

Sean: “So how was your weekend? When do i get to see you again?”

*it was Monday Night Football and the Ravens were playing so there was no chance of me responding

Tuesday, December 8th

9:56am

Me: “Hi! My weekend was great. Hope yours was also. I’m around tomorrow if you are”

Sean: “I like the sound of that.  Don’t go making other plans now, haha. I’ll call you tonight.”

*Yawn

11:35pm

MISSED CALL and Voicemail

Wednesday, December 9th

7:00am

Me totally turned off by said call.  After checking voicemail, he regains some points explaining he was out with coworkers and immediately apologizing for calling so late.

11:27am

Sean: “So what are you thinking for tonight? Sushi or mexican? or something else?”

11:42am

Me: “Surprise me. Just make sure there’s beer”

3:44pm

Me: “Did you get my text? I never know with that phone of yours”

3:45pm

Sean: “Yes, i did, and i was going to surprise you. What’s wrong with my phone?”

*ugh if you don’t get my joke, im not explaining it to you

3:47pm

Me: “Well then i’m looking forward to it.”

3:55pm

Sean: “I am as well. Call you around 7”

7:04pm

I receive a phone call from him saying he will meet me at my apartment at 8:15. Picking me up?  Fancy!

8:10pm

He arrives.

The rest of the night is a bit of a snoozefest.  He’s really cute, and oober nice, but a little boring for me.  He even pulled out my chair, took my coat off and ordered for me, which frankly is a long list of things that make me uncomfortable.  He took me to sushi, which is not exactly “beer”.  As dinner was winding down, he suggested we go grab a drink.  I politely declined explaining i should probably get home- my dog doesnt like it when i stay out too late.  It was 10:05. He walked me home and obviously expected a kiss given that I’d already played tonsil hockey with him once before.  Not a bad kisser, but hung around for a bit too long.

I was up in the air about going out with him again.  I mean he was nice, cute, and liked me.  What else could i ask for?  It didnt take long for my decision to become clear…

Thursday, December 10th

9:58am

Sean: “I had a really good time last night, actually still have a smile on my face. I can’t wait to see you again”

2:03pm (i only waited 4 hours, don’t take a hint or anything)

Me: “Me too thanks for dinner.  I’ve saved your number in my phone now.”

4:26pm

Sean: “So that means you really do what to see me again.  Another smile on my face”

*So now begins where the shit really starts to hit the fan

Friday, December 11th

3:12pm

Sean: “So how have the last couple days been for you?  What kind of trouble are you getting into this weekend?”

*by last couple of days you’re referring to the past 24 hours, right? no response.

Saturday, December 12th

11:38am

INSERT VOICEMAIL

*although i day drank on saturday, i felt bad about not responding or calling back, and after discussing with my roommate thought that i may go out with him one more time and give it a try…until…

Sunday, December 13th

9:51am

Sean: “Was going to call but it’s early. My friend already took off. Where are you watching football today? I want to join if you want me there.”

*ugh.  So i respond generically to curb my guilt

1:02pm

Me: “Hey im going to the east village to watch with a friend i haven’t seen in awhile. What are you doing?”

*Brace yourself

1:22pm

Sean: “The question is do you want to see me? I’m supposed to go to brunch and football with some friends in murray hill. Do you want to hang out today?”

1:57pm

Sean: “So i just got a free ticket to the giants game tonight, but i want to see you today. Can we meet up before?”

3:03

Sean: “You guys are doing well. So…do i get to see you? I really want to”

4:47pm

INSERT FUCKING VOICEMAIL.  Is this kid crazy?  I now have 2 unheard voicemails from him.

4:51pm (yea, that’s right, 4 minutes after the voicemail)

Sean: “I really want to see you, more than i want to go to the game. And i hate to be one of those guys that calls and texts all the time, i know its annoying.”

*o do you, do you really know? I figured that was the last of it, and that i had earned the right not to respond with anything.  Just ignore the problem and it will go away.

5:55pm

After exiting the subway station on my way home, i find another VOICEMAIL has come into my phone….from him.  Scared to listen to them alone, i enlisted my roommate to accompany me on what was sure to be a frightening 5 minutes. Below are the transcripts…

Saturday, 11:38am

#1: Hey heather this is sean, just giving you a call to see what youre up to today, and maybe tomorrow. my friend is leaving town at like 5:30 or 6 tomorrow. wanted to know if you wanted to hang out then, or maybe monday, or maybe both. so yea, give me a call back or a text and let me know. Yea, i look forward to seeing you again. Talk to you soon.

Sunday, 4:47pm

#2: Hey heather just seeing whats going on. I know you were watching the game int he east village a little earlier but umm give me a call and let me know whats up. IIIII wanna see you tonight. Alright give me a call and i will hopefully talk to you later. Ok, bye.”

Sunday, 5:55pm

#3: Hey there, this is sean once again,  It is not very good weather so im no longer going to the game. But i would definitely like to hang out tonight if you want to. Im just watching at my place for now, thought we’d go somewhere, but uhh let me know what you think or maybe watch a movie as well..i dont know…iii just wanna hang out so uh let me know and give me a call back. bye.

*That was not it however.  This morning i received the following text message:

8:48am

Sean: “Hey, hope you had a good weekend. Do i get to see you today? Can i interest you with some beer and wings tonight?”

*no you freak, you fucking cant.

This post may be a little harsh, especially because i used his actual name (whoops), but i would have to believe that if a girl conducted herself in any similar way after ONE date, the male counterpart would feel no remorse in exploiting her as a human for the benefit and laughter of his friends.  So let this be a lesson to all of you men out there who think this kind of behavior is acceptable. I’m not sure it’s ever gotten anyone a significant other.